Adjusting to Third Shift

Hello!

It's been a while since my last post. Not a whole lot going on on the wagon trail. Monday night I went to work, Tuesday night I went to work, Wednesday night I went to work, Thursday night I went to work. But Thursday night was hard.


To start off I got home Wednesday morning and didn't get in bed until around 11:30 a.m. It takes a while to unwind after a long nights work. But I figured this was fine because Thursday is dance night for the kids and I knew I wouldn't be bothered until after 7:00 p.m. But au contraire to my belief. I get a phone call at 2:00 pm and it was the Wife. I needed to get up and retrieve my kids from the school bus, because my mother in law wasn't able to make it to town. I asked her why and she said, cuz my Daddy is drunk and mama don't want to leave the SON with him in that condition. So I begrudgingly dragged myself out of bed so I could see my GIRLS wonderful faces getting off of the bus. They were so excited to see their Daddy and they came running to the house hollering my name.

I was still tired, so I got them in the house, gave them each a snack, G-Baby got Ravioli and Princess-F had cereal. I thought I could lay down and nap, but do you know how hard it is to nap with a 5 and 6 year old in the house. So, I stayed up until the wife got home and then she reminded me that I had to go to dance with her to film them while dancing. So we didn't get home until after 7:00 pm. By this time, I was wide awake. I laid down at 8:00, she brought the SON up at 8:30 and he kept me awake. So, up I got at 9:00 and said F*ck IT.

The moral of this story is...

Alcohol doesn't only effect the person drinking it, but all the people surrounding this. I never realized this until Thursday's situation occurred. So I understand better that my alcoholism affected me, others, family, friends. So a bad day and a good lesson learned.

Friday - normal.

Saturday - had a little excitement, I played my usual poker tournament and came in fourth out of ten, no payout, had a chance to triple up, I was dealt pocket J's and two chip leaders called my preflop all in, the flop came J-2-4, turn 3, river dreaded 5. I hate four card straights on the board, because I knew someone had to have called me with an Ace. I was ran over by the little wheel. When I got home my Wife informed me that one of my good friends had to go to the big house, being a concerned friend (codependent) I had to call and find out why. They took him for driving on suspended and possession. It cost 5,000 surety bond and $25 booking fee. No, I didn't go get him.

The silly thing was why his license was suspended. They were suspended on Friday or not enrolling in traffic school. I believe someone just had it out for him because he was never blue lighted he was called over by officer after he got out of his vehicle and was walking into a store. Whenever he got there the officer informed him of the suspension, cuffed him and stuffed him.

Today -- Grumpy because the Wife wouldn't let me sleep. She kept nagging, and nagging, and nagging until I finally got up and went to church with her. I guess I 'm glad that I got up and went to church because that is a good way to start your day - Topics were - Dont' be discouraged, don't delay, don't judge others. We came home and ate homemade veggie soup, instead of our traditional LJS.

After eating I went upstairs to watch University of Kentucky Basketball. I believe my Wildcats won, but am not for sure - I fell asleep.

I just checked we beat the VOLS 76-57 and we are ranked once again. Yee Haw!!!!!I just got up - read my tugs, and I'm now an official member of HNT.

Thanks for all the tugs keep them coming, one more day ridin' the wagon.

Got to eat a bite of supper and strap on them thar work boots.

I've Got a Job!!!

Hello!!

Went and done orientation and all that rigamarole, passed a drug test, ON MY OWN, nobody's help, FIRST TIME in my life!!!!! Pat, pat, pat on back.

It is third shift, but that is good for me, because I am a night owl anyway. But tonight is going to be rough because I have been up since 6:00 a.m. Hopefully, I can make it through the night without falling asleep. But, I believe I can do it because work will keep me busy, but I guarantee I will be dragging ass in the morning.

So, now that I have a third shift job, I will have to turn ringers off on the phone so those pesky bill collectors won't be calling and waking me p while I am trying to get some rest.

As for the weekend, Saturday we tackled the playroom. It looked like a pig sty with a tornado run through it, now there is actually a floor and our son has his bedroom back.

Sunday, I went and played basketball and held my own -- hoorah - not bad for a 30 year old playing against a bunch of high school kids. Watched the playoffs, my Saints lost, but my Colts won -- go COLTS!!!!!

Since we've got a lot to celebrate -- everyone get up and dance with me to this hit from the 80's.

Thanks for the tugs -- my little red wagon is running on nitro this week.

What Better Way...

Good Sunday Morning!!! This was written and originally sung by Hank Sr., but this was the best I could do on YouTube.

Got me going this morning and I'm still singing it.



God bless all you you.

"Making White People Dance"

Hello!

Here's the song Alcohol by Brad Paisley. Listen carefully -- it's all true especially making this 6'3" skinny white boy think that he could dance.

Enjoy.



Thanks for tuggin'.

Learning to Think Differently

Hello!

I would like to thank all the people for the helpful tugs across this bumpy road.

I have been so grateful that there are people out there that can help me through this. I got to keep my son today, and he is keeping me on my toes.

A new life can't be built in a day. I must take it slowly and one day at a time. I need to take baby steps now. I have to learn to think differently. I need to get used to sober thinking instead of alcoholic thinking. Most of us know, that has tried this before, that the old alcoholic thinking is apt to come back on us when we least expect it. This new way of life is a slow process, but I know it can be done.I am building a new life starting off with my foundation of sobriety. On this foundation of sobriety, I can build up to a life of honesty, unselfishness, and faith in my HP, and love others.

I may never fully reach these goals, but the adventure of building this kind of life will be fun and tough. I believe that it has to be better than the up and down of my old drinking life. There will be no comparison. This blog and the friends I have made here is my way of getting sober, but I believe that in time my readers and tuggers will show me a new aspect on life and a new way of living. I have become honest with myself and to all my readers.

I pray daily for faith, for it is God's gift to me. God gives this to me in my prayers, because it is a necessary weapon for me to have. I need this so I can overcome all the adverse conditions, and the accomplishment of everything good in my life. Therefore I will have to work hard to strengthen my faith, but with the help of my HP this will be easier to do.

Thanks for tugging on my wagon over these hills. Keep the tugs coming.

Bunch of Chicken Shit!

Hello!

Well I went and filled out all of the proper paperwork I needed to get the JOB process going today.

I have been having some bad thoughts lately because I am letting other people's comments get to me. I know I shouldn't but I have a hard time keeping my opinion not heard. I have a certain commenter on another site that is always criticizing me. I don't really care what he thinks, but the whole world can see what he says. I have to be able to take the good and bad criticism. I just have a hard time with the bad , but it does motivate me to keep my head held high . So that I can prove them all wrong.

One comment this person said was that my wife needed to get my children away from me. He heard the song Alyssa Lies on the radio and he said that he thought it reminded him of my children. He is so off key he don't even know what that song is about. I would never do any of those things to my children. I have to say with my head hung in shame that I have probably caused emotional or mental abuse, but never on purpose. I have only done this in my drunken state of mind.

I have a Mother in law that is also very critical of me. For instance today when I went and done my paperwork she said " He will only work a couple of months then he will fail." She is just looking out for her daughter I guess. She is very hard hearted, and I have done wrong to her daughter and grandkids. I am trying to do better for myself and no one else so who cares what every one else thinks. My mother in law is married to an alcoholic just like me, but I don't think we are the same. I have heard some stories on him that I don't think I would do, but we both do liked to drink. She fusses at me about my problem, but it is just fine and dandy that he drinks. He is a morning time drinker and has his own little get away spot. He does not drink in front of her so I guess you could say he is a closed door drinker. When he has had his fill he goes inside to a good hot home cooked meal watches a little T.V. Then he goes and takes a nap to sleep it off.


Well I am done ranting about others. I had a good day today. I played with my young'ns and we did some more dancing. This is kinda good exercise doing all the dances over and over. We all look silly I would say , but we have one hell of a good time. I think my age is catching up with me or I am just out of shape 'cause after two dances I was breathing heavy and sweating. I didn't know that I was in that bad of shape.

Thanks for listening to my rage as I yelled it from my wagon - keep on tugging, it helps.

Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh at Yourself

You Are Bud Light

You're not fussy when it comes to beer. If someone hands it to you, you'll drink it. In fact, you don't understand beer snobbery at all. It all tastes the same once you're drunk! You're an enthusiastic drinker, and you can often be found at your neighborhood bar. You're pretty good at holding your liquor too - you've had lots of experience.

What's Your Beer Personality?

Coincidentally -- Guess what my favorite beer / beer of choice was? Eerily enough this pretty much describes me when I was drinking my beer of choice.

So, What's Going on?

Hello!

Things are going okay I guess.

• I went and played cards yesterday and did very well. I won the first tournament and came in third the second. Temptation was everywhere, but I am proud to say with my head held high, I didn't fall into the trap. Daughter#1 lost one of her two front teeth while I was playing and called to tell me, so I got to play the tooth (toof as she now says it) fairy. The wife was nervous the whole time that I was gone worrying about if I was strong enough to stand the temptation. She worries alot because she is addicted to drama and I haven't given her any drama lately. But she got her fix worrying about me -- she got her rush and I got some. Kind of crazy, huh?
• As for today, I went to church and it was nice. We ate our normal Sunday dinner from the local Long John Silvers, came home, thought I was going to play some basketball, but that fell through. So I ended up watching the playoffs, and as the wife says, yelling at the TV all afternoon.
• After watching the playoffs we had some family time. We pulled up videos from YouTube and did the Chicken Dance, the Macarena, the ChaCha Slide, and the Hokey Pokey which was very fun. Wish I had a video camera to show you all of us acting silly. What a natural high to have so much fun with my family.
• Tomorrow I am going job hunting, hopefully everything goes well.
• Everyone -- check out Sober Steve's blog -- he needs our prayers.

Thank you all for the comments.` Guess if I have learned anything from this weekend I have learned that I can have a good time without mind altering substances. Guess I'm trying to do as my friend Guy is helping me to understand and be a sober alcoholic and NOT just a dry one.

Thanks for the tugs the wagon ride this weekend has been a little less bumpy.

A Look Inside My Head...

Hello!

I would like to thank the folks supporting me first off. I had a good birthday. Got to spend it with my family and that was what was most important to me.

Well, here is a little of what has been going through my head:

• The longer I am sober, the more natural this way of life seems.
• My old drinking life was a very unhealthy way of living.
• In my present, sober life seems like the greatest way to live.
• While in the early years of my drinking, life wasn't so different from the lives my so called friends were living. But as we gradually became problem drinkers, our lives became more and more unhealthy.
• I realize now that the things I did then were very unhealthy. When I was drinking, I was living an unnatural life physically and mentally. I was very hard on my body loading it with alcohol. I didn't eat sometimes for days, and when I did eat it was fast food or junk food. I would stay up as long as I could drinking or until I ran out... making myself drained of all the energy I would need to work.

More observations to come...

Again, thanks for the tugs on my wagon while I work my way through this newly found insightfulness.

This says it all...

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Hello!

Today is my birthday and it is going to be a sober and clean one. Wow, it has been a long time since this has happened. I am still pursuing work although I have some good leads. I am going to a staffing agency on Monday and hopefully they can put me to work soon. I am not used to factory work , but I think I can handle it. I have never worked in one before. I have only done construction and farming all my life. I really don't like the thought of doing the same thing every day, but it will grow on me, I hope. I am having a hard time right know with cravings. So I am just blogging to help keep my mind off of it.

Here are some cool thoughts. When we were drinking most of us never thought of helping others. We liked to buy drinks for people, because that made us feel like big shots. But we used others for our own pleasure. To really go out and try to help somebody who needed help never occurred to me. To me, helping others made me feel like a sucker. I am beginning to think that helping others may be a good thing as they may help me through my situation.

I will pray for only that God's will be done. I will use God's power for my needs. I pray that I may seek God's guidance day by day.

Well I guess I am done rambling on, thank you all and God most of all for helping me through these troubled times.

Thanks for steadying my wagon on this long and super bumpy road helping to keep me from tipping over.

Youtube is down right now -- when they are back up -- I'll post a song for ya'll.

Long Time No See -- Can I buy you a beer?

Hello!

Well I got to work yesterday and it went good.

I did have a lot of temptation but didn't give in. I would like to thank all my readers for their comments and support.I know a saying that goes like this "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." they may not hurt you physically but can do some damage mentally.

I have to do this for myself and no one else or I believe I will fail. I am going to do this for me first, and then maybe the rest will fall into place.

I am hoping I get to work some more in the future so that I can get my fine paid and help around the house. I had a long day at work yesterday, but I enjoyed it. It felt good to get out of the house and into the workforce world. I had several chances to fall but kept myself strong. I even went to my old watering hole and sat down with the guys and proudly drank Mountain Dew.

Something funny, a friend made this comment about me while in the bar " Hell someone take a picture, N***** is in here and drinking a Mountain Dew amazing." Of course this got several laughs and a few questions. One of the old timers said that he was very proud of me for what I was doing. I miss the times I had there at the watering hole back in my home town and I really miss all the money I dropped in the place. I did get some offers to drink but gladly responded I will take a refill of soda if you don't mind. But some of the offers were for beer only. I don't understand this: they will pay 1.75 for a beer but won't pay 75 cents for a soda pop. I shot some pool and kicked ass and took names. This is one of the things I miss about the bar, the games of pool and the money I won while playing. I hope that some day I will be able to do this again. I don't want to make it a habit though because the temptation may get the best of me one time and as we all know all too well what that leads to.

Well that is all for know, but I hope to keep you all up to date on my long and bumpy roar to recovery in my little red wagon.

Thanks again, for the helpful tugs on my wagon!

Just a few questions

Hello!

• Why is it that everyone wants to pass judgement on people who have addications or diseases?
• Why is it that they all want to kick on you when you are down?
• Why do they all well most of them hope you fail?
• Then again, why is it that they don't want to help you, but would rather see you fail?

Maybe it is because they want you to think you are a no good pieace of shit, or that you are a dumbass, or a no good abusive basterd. I am NOT anything like this!

I don't understand!

I am trying my hardest and all of these things I have been called or told. I am not perfect by no means but I am trying to do the best I can. These comments and snide remarks make me so mad. I guess I should not let them bother me, but damn it is so hurtful. Maybe I don't take well to hearing these things said about me. But I guess I brought all of this upon myself because of my past actions.

Well I don't live in the past now, I live in the future. I am very sorry for what I did in the past, but I can't change what happened then. Believe me if I could I would have changed alot of the choices I made in life. I am sure we all wish we could change something in our past, but we all know that can't be done. The only thing I know that we can do is make changes in our life to make the future better. Life is full of choices and we all make some bad ones and good ones. I hope there is some people who can help answer these questions I have asked. The only thing I know for sure is that no one can judge me but the all mighty GOD above. There was only one perfect human being that I am aware and I pray to Him every night to help me.

Thanks for steadying my wagon - it was wanting to tip a little!

When I Fell Off My Little Red Wagon

Hello!

Today was a quiet day, nothing real exciting happened. I did go to church with the family. I have also sat and watched the playoffs today, I am a big sports fan. However, I did crave a beer while watching, but I made it through it.

I get to go to work tomorrow, working in concrete. Hopefully make some good money for the family and to pay on my DUI fine. You know, it is hard to find a good job when you don't have a driver's license and can't drive. I hope I can make it through tomorow without the cravings being too hard, because I will be with one of my drinking buddies. After a long hard day, boy a cold beer is awful nice.

This reminds me of when I fell off the wagon after being sober for 803 days. In the summer of 2004, it was a sizzling hot day in the bluegrass (humid as hell), I was mowing the yard and getting awful thirsty when my new neighbor said, "You look like you could use a drink." He asked if I would like one, and not thinking I said sure. I took it, didn't look, opened it, drank it down, then realized it was a nice ice cold Coors Light. I remember this because my beer of choice is Bud Light. So I tapped the Rocky's and it's been an up and downhill battle ever since.

But, with the help of God I will be able to overcome my cravings and not fall off of my Little Red Wagon tomorrow. As the good book says the Lord will not put more on my shoulders than I can bear. But sometimes that load has been a lot for my Little Red Wagon to haul.

Keep me in your prayers and thoughts tonight and tomorrow as I know temptation will rear its ugly head.

Thanks for helping to tug on my Little Red Wagon another day.

Another Day...

Hello Again,

I'd like to start off by saying thanks to all of the commenters the support is helping me. I have a lot of naysayers that don't think that I can accomplish my goal, but as you know I am trying very hard to prove them wrong.

Today is going to be kind of exciting because I am going to Chuck E. Cheeses for a party. I'm going with my kids and the wife, I hope they have fun.

At this point, I am crawling through my sobriety on my way to walking with my head held high.
------------

HISTORY

Well, to let you know how it all started I was nine years old and had a bet with my father on the SuperBowl. The Bears were playing the Patriots and Dad didn't like that cocky quarterback for the Bears, Jim McMahon and of course, I did. So, we made a little wager. If the Bears won, I could be like my Dad and sit in the floor and drink. If he won, I had to mow the yard for a year without no allowance.

The Bears won and Dad went and bought me a six pack of Little Kings. Boy those were some nasty little beers, but that's where it all started. I thought I was cool. So, I won the bet but I lost a whole lot more.

Thanks for the generous tugs on my wagon.

A Little About Me

Well, I'm new to this blog stuff. So, I guess I'll start out by saying hello to everyone. I'm 29, was an alcoholic for 19 years, been sober for 20 days, woohoo for me. Make that 21, no 22 counting today. My sobriety date is December 14, the day after my son's birthday - so, can someone help me with the math?

It has been a tough road, but I am doing it one day at a time, as I have been told by my friends. They say that this is the only way you can do it. I quit cold turkey on my own, no AA, no rehab, no nothing but willpower. I have to do this for myself and no one else, but my family is a big motivating factor.

I am going through a difficult time right now in my life, because my wife is considering divorce, I guess she is considering it. I don't know how I'll react if that happens, hopefully I won't let it bring me down. I hope I'm strong enough to hold it together for her and my kids also.

I'm out to prove the WORLD wrong. I have said this so many times that I am going to get sober, that no one trusts me. But this time, I feel that I HAVE to do it. Just to get my self-esteem back and make myself a better person.

I love my kids and would do anything in the world for them, no matter what. I love my wife also very much, she is my backbone, my strength, and my rock, and the mother of my three babies.

Cravings and shakes SUCK. But, I guess that is part of it after you have drank for 19 years of your life.

I have no where to go but UP!!!